Yesterday, one of my mother-in-laws, Grandma Donna, left me a message from her home in Northern California to share the fact that she liked the article in the National Examiner.  A friend had brought her a copy to read.  She thought it was good.  She thought surely I knew about it but just had not circulated the news.

As always when Media hits, my stomach started to churn.  I have been busy.  I nearly forgot that the possibility was out there.  Weeks ago, I had been contacted by the media people at the National Examiner (a supermarket tabloid) asking if they could use pictures from my website.  I know that posting pictures anywhere opens them up for lifting.  It was nice of them to ask.

Then, a reporter contacted me asking for a brief telephone interview noting that he could ask the questions via email and I could respond that way as well.  I chose the latter.    Very thoughtful questions arrived.  I answer questions like this every day and feel that the effort of answering and the energy involved is part of my journey. I responded in written form.  He replied with appreciation and kindness.  I will include this dialogue at the end.

I held my breath and silently prayed.  “Please God…let them get this right.”  Often, the tabloid headlines read in the supermarket line are unbelievable.  Aliens, etc…the movie Men in Black comes to mind in that they used the tabloids to be alerted to problems…funny!  But this is me, David, the kids, all of us and the nightmare we live with everyday.  But, sometimes…Tabloids get it right.  And people read and are alerted to issues.

So, last night, after a long week and the kids and I picking out our Christmas tree, Grandma Donna’s message was a bit unsettling.  I left the kids who were dealing with the undecorated tree and went out on a mission to find the publication.  CVS, Barnes and Noble, Harris Teeter…no luck.  The stress was getting to me.  I called Grandma Donna as I needed to know about this article.

She noted the date of December 3, 2012, and the fact that Sean Connery was on the front. Sean Connery (James Bond – 007) is special to me because David’s prison OPUS number ends in 007.  (God’s humor is everywhere.) We seem to all have our missions.  Grandma Donna offered to run out and check in her town for copies.  I decided to try Walmart. She called back as I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot.  She had been on her own mission and noted that the publication was no longer available.  Walmart stocks the publication but the December 9, 2012, issue is currently out.  I had missed the prior week’s availability.

So, she faxed me a copy of the article.  The black and white faxed presentation added to the drama but guess what?  They did get it right.  Yes, it is a bit sensational but our nightmare is all that and so much more.   I am grateful that someone somewhere may be more aware than we were on that day:   prescribed medications taken as ordered can create an everlasting nightmare.  Many people do not understand this truth.

Earlier yesterday, I was leaving the grocery store.  I was behind 3 young girls that could have easily been 12.  My mind flashed to Tessara and Samantha out with one of their friends.  What would that be like?  Oh, the joy of 3 young girls happily leaving the grocery store together and just hanging out.  I imagined myself giving in to this sudden sense of overwhelming loss and crumbling to the ground without being able to exit the grocery store.  But then, knowing that Tess and Sam live beyond these earthly moments saves me.  I am able to keep walking onward to the other parts of the day where later,  the kids and I happily pick out a fabulous Christmas tree (at a tree lot located in the Wal-Mart parking lot) and then to where I am out trying to find the paper.

The tears flow now as the losses settle in and a realization emerges that the tabloids got it right.  People are being educated and in the most unusual ways.

Here are the questions from Rick Haydon writing for the National Examiner and my answers:

One, can you go over the emotional soul-searching you went through in order to forgive your husband?  How did you reach this decision?  I think you can understand how many of our readers, the majority of whom are women and probably mothers, might have trouble seeing this point of view.  So we would like to give you a chance to help them empathize with the way you see this tragic situation.

I left David and the girls alone for 1 hour and 20 minutes and then returned to a police barricade.  I was escorted into a house and told that my husband had killed the girls, called 911 and was already in custody.  I had to be the parent to deal with the remaining 3 children who were all at different schools.  Our extended family was on the other side of America.

There was limited opportunity to shut down or lose control of my emotions. The system of criminal justice was moving in quickly to seek the death penalty.  Hysteria takes energy away from reasonable actions.  And, I was given in that moment clarity to remain standing and work through the steps needed to go on for me and the rest of the family.

This man who killed Tessara and Samantha in that moment could not have been the David I had ever known him to be in the past.  His past reasonable, loving protective self remained a light in the darkness of what had happened in that moment.  No one who knew David believed he was capable of such horror.  With this as a beacon, I could go forward to unravel the truth.

An all knowing task force did not get to me in those early moments to explain what may have happened and the prescribing doctors would not communicate with me.  Our sanity was threatened in the trauma and pain of the known details of Tessara and Samantha’s deaths.  It was best to go with the strength given in each moment, and it was moments, to take the next step knowing that something had to have happened that caused David to react in such an unnatural to his normal self way.  The difference in our lives on that morning was the change in medication especially, 7 days of Prozac and 1 night of Lunesta.  The cocktail of prescribed medication under the care of a psychiatrist could very well be the poison but the obvious difference was the Prozac and Lunesta.

David was the other person on earth who cared for and loved the girls as much as me.  The systems would not allow to me to see him for 2 ½ months.  During those months, all my energy went to taking care of the children and myself.  The systems of criminal justice and mental healthcare were supposedly taking care of David.  It felt like he had died to me and I had to keep reminding myself that he was still alive.  His brother tried to help him but the systems prevented us from any information that would help us understand what had happened.

I believe that David is a victim of the side effects of the medications he was prescribed.  He was doing everything considered responsible to help his self and others by listening to the healthcare providers.  I was with him in this journey and knew that something had to have gone very wrong.

I expected that the truth was being sought.  Sadly, the criminal justice system focuses exclusively on the event without trying to understand or assert the truth of the cause. (Current edit to what I submitted…our criminal justice system is better than this…we will continue to seek justice and we do believe our system is capable and obligated to do better.)

I believe the people that need my forgiveness are the doctors, drug companies and the FDA.  None of them have been held even remotely responsible for this tragedy.  I know the truth as do many others.  David is horrified by what his medication induced psychosis propelled him to do to his dearly loved daughters.  Every other day, he would have gladly died saving them.  But, this day…the very worst nightmare that can happen to a loving father happened to him.

I do not have the energy or the desire to hate.  Forgiveness is given where asked for and needed.  The truth is evident and I live with the outcomes.

I have been asked if I have regrets…Yes…trusting that these medications could help and not tragically hurt is a huge regret and a mistake that I will not make twice.  I will not trust that side effects could not capture those I hold most dear.  What happened to this family could truly happen to anyone.  We were not warned, monitored or instructed.  A healthcare system that looks out for our overall well being would have warned, monitored and instructed.    So, we go on with more understanding and seek to love versus hate and chose to see the truth instead of living in fear of the unknown.

Two, how have your friends and family coped with your campaign to free your husband? What have the people who knew your twins best had to say about the crusade?

Most of the people who knew David before the events of January 20, 2006, cannot believe that he was capable of such horror.  We were a loving family that loved being with each other.   The world took a step back and imagined, in their horror that we had to have been different than we appeared.  That seems reasonable to wonder.  But, for those friends and family that have gone forward to try to understand what could have possibly have happened, they have been more alerted to side effects issues that are often not discussed.  Many people have had their eyes opened to the truth and believe that David should not be held criminally responsible for acts he committed in an altered state.

People who knew the twins the best knew our loving family.  Much sadness surrounds those who love us that the truth was not brought to light.  People know that David was a man of great faith and loving actions and would have never chosen to hurt anyone.  We now know that the prescribed medication can cause similar reactions in the medication adjustment period.  Sadly, the FDA knows this but remains silent on helping when things go terrible wrong.  I have been told that these drugs were approved because the belief is that they help more than they hurt, but where are the authorities when they hurt?  Sadly, they are not responding to the truth and it is easier to hold one person responsible than to understand that the systems have failed many.

The idea of a crusade or campaign to free David is interesting as we have always asserted the truth as we have learned it along the way.  Interestingly to me, people who experience such sadness want “it” not to happen to others.  So, we try to help others and along the way, the truth is learned.  That all-knowing task force is not in place so we learn by speaking up and out and listening to others.  It is sad when we are misled due to profit motivations and selfish gains.  But, the truth comes to light in time.

The truth became clearer as David withdrew from medication in prison and became his old self.  He spent 2 and ½ years in prison drugged out of his mind.  The medication journey is noted on my web site.  Withdrawal is important to understand before you withdraw from medications.

Three, what is the most important lesson or lessons we can all learn from this tragedy?  The power of forgiveness?  The dangers of prescription drugs?  The importance of connecting with our loved ones because we never know when they may be taken from us?  All three?  All three and more?

The most important message of Crespi Family Hope as a group of family and friends is to promote awareness of medication side effects.  This was a message that we believe could have helped this family avoid the nightmare we now find ourselves living every waking moment.

To seek justice and understanding, to love mercy, goodness and kindness and to always seek God’s will in our thoughts and actions is what the Crespi Family makes as goals every day.   We have been asked to carry a burden of horror and sadness, guilt and shame have been imposed on us and specifically on David.  This is manifestly unjust and we will not walk away from this truth even in our sadness and devastation of losing our precious children to these horrific circumstances.

Our family loved and enjoyed each other before the tragedy and we love and enjoy each other after the tragedy.  We all miss Tessara and Samantha every minute of every day.  Their lights shine brightly for all of us. We all miss David living in our day to day lives.  Prison offers little in the way of helping us move forward to heal. Our days have been difficult but love and forgiveness are energy creators versus hate and bitterness which do nothing to facilitate the understanding of the truth.